Panic, the Early Years

Imagine that you are driving on a cold wintery night.  There is snow on the ground.  You are the only car on the road and you haven't seen another car for 30 minutes or so.  Your children are asleep in the backseat.  As you come upon a bridge a deer jumps out from the trees.  You swerve to miss hitting the deer and hit a patch of ice which sends your car careening through the guard rails of the bridge.  You see everything happening in slow motion as your car that is filled with your most precious treasures plummets into the dark, cold water below.

Imagine the absolute fear and terror that you would feel as your car sinks lower into that cold water. 

Now imagine feeling that exact same fear and terror for absolutely no reason at all.  Imagine you are going about your normal day...You are grocery shopping, you're at work, you're driving, you're at your child's soccer game, you're at church, you're laying in bed falling asleep...And imagine that feeling of sheer dread and terror coming over you while doing any of these things.

If you can imagine this, if you can REALLY put yourself in this situation...You have just imagined what it is like to have a panic attack.

I remember feeling my first feeling of "anxiety" when I was 11 years old.  I had broken my ankle and was laid up for an entire summer.  Other that this injury and being "the fat kid", I had always been a healthy kid.  This injury rocked my world.  I spent that summer being a hypochondriac.  I spent many sleepless night worrying that I was going to die of a heart attack, have a stroke, that I had tumors or cancer, etc.  If there was a disease on TV, I was sure that I had it.  I never shared these fears with anyone.  I felt like a freak.  The years went by and when I was in the 6th grade our class was going on a 1 week trip to a wilderness camp.  A few nights before the trip I had my first anxiety attack.  I say anxiety attack because there is a difference between "panic" and "anxiety".  I remember sitting at my friend's house in their living room and suddenly I realized that in a few days I would be at this unfamiliar place, away from home, in the wilderness for an entire week.  I felt anxious, jittery, I couldn't sit still, my mind was racing.  I was in a room with 5 or 6 other people but was having this internal conflict within myself, trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me.  Eventually it passed, it probably lasted 15 minutes or so and no one knew that anything was wrong with me.

I continued to feel anxiety and worry through my adolescence and into my teenage years, however I didn't KNOW that was I was feeling was actually a medical condition.  I just thought that I was crazy, I was a freak.  There was no internet back then, I couldn't just google my feelings and see what popped up.  I was all alone in my own personal nightmare.  I was afraid to spend the night at my friend's houses, afraid to go to new places or try new things.  When I would actually talk myself into staying at my friend's house I would be up into the wee hours of the morning worrying, thinking, and worrying some more.

I grew up in a Christian, spirit-filled home.  I knew that fear was not of God, I knew that God would protect me and that I needed to pray...My Dad knew that I was fearful, but never knew the full extent of what was happening in my mind.  He had the elders of the church lay hands and pray for me many times.  Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't.

When I was 16 years old I had my first full blown panic attack.  It was August 1998.  My niece and nephew had come to stay with us for the summer.  I had a boyfriend and we had been together for 2 years.  Earlier that day he had shown up at my house unexpectedly with tears streaming down his face.  His grandmother (who lived with him and his family) had had a heart attack in their front yard and passed away.  That was the first time I had ever had someone close to me die.

That night I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends and was painting my toenails.  As I was painting my left big toe I noticed that the tip was kind of numb feeling.  I kept touching it, poking it...I couldn't understand WHY it was numb.  I went to my dad's room and was telling him about it, but he was preoccupied.  I went back in the living room and started FREAKING OUT.  Why was my toe numb?  Was I having a stroke?  Was there a blood clot in my foot?  What was going on?  Who was going to help me if my Dad wasn't even paying attention to me?  My niece and nephew were looking at me like I was nuts.  I was crying, shaking, hyperventilating, wanting SOMEONE to help me!  My niece went and got my mom and she took me to the ER, where they told me I had just experienced a panic attack.  I was still keyed up so they gave me a shot of something in my butt to calm me down.  I don't know what it was but I heard birds singing on the car ride home and slept till mid afternoon the next day.  The relaxed feeling stayed with me and I was cool as a cucumber.  The next day was the funeral.  I was anxious, and jittery, but somehow I made it through without a major breakdown.

I continued to have anxiety and panic attacks in the years to come...But those are stories for another entry.

Heavy thoughts bring on physical maladies; when the soul is oppressed so is the body.  ~Martin Luther

Here we go...

Here I am.  Back in the blogging world.  I kept a blog for many years but decided to take a break back in 2008.

This blog will be different because I have become a different person.

I named this blog "Anxiously Laughing" because that is how I feel most of the time.  I have a very good sense of humor.  I can find comedy in almost any situation in life and I love to laugh.  However, the other side of the coin in something that I have struggled with for 17 years...Panic disorder.  

I will talk about many different things in this blog.  Crafting, photography, school, my upcoming wedding, my family, my past, my everyday life, and my struggle with panic and anxiety.  This blog will have many many facets.